My Items

I had a great childhood - devoted parents, nice community, all of what I needed and most of what I wanted. However, I was not a "normal" child. I'm one of the members they talk about with a "grave emotional and mental disorders" -although I think that's quite a morbid way of viewing it - and it's called OCD. I can remember being 4 or 5 and walking down the stairs with my hand on the railing and getting all the way down only to feel like it wasn't done "right", so I would go up and down maybe 10-15 more times to make sure it was done "correctly".

Being so young, I didn't know what was going on, so I kept it a secret from my family for along time, 15 years. But I'll back up a bit. The first time I drank when I was 14, I drank alcoholically.I blacked out, threw up, passed out, and couldn't wait to do it again. While I still performed OCD rituals, I found that alcohol and other drugs gave me that "just right" feeling that I had been searching for all along. All throughout high school I was a "weekend warrior"- I did great in school, but hung out with the bad kids on the weekends.

I experimented with drugs in high school, but when I got to college, I entered a whole new world of partying. I started doing cocaine and ecstasy regularly, and taking Adderall just about every day to "study" by my junior year. I was a "pothead" and couldn't start my day without a bong rip. I thought it was "just college", but not until looking back recently did I realize thatI drank way, way differently than my friends. I was always worried about how much alcohol would be at the party - should I bring my own soI have enough?

Toward my senior year of college, I was prescribed Xanax for my anxiety and OCD. That's when things took a dark turn. I was experiencing memory black-outs lasting days at a time; I didn't let up on my alcohol and other drug use when I started taking Xanax,I just piled it on top of it all. I had started a new job out of college and found that if I didn't have my Xanax I would call in sick to work; that started happening a few times a week, so I ended up resigning. I moved back in with my parents after some things in my life went downhill - boyfriend broke up with me, lost my job, and that's when my parents noticed my problem.

They said I was like a zombie - slurring, stumbling, and not remembering what I had talked about just 5minutes prior. They encouraged me to go into detox, which I did, grudgingly. At 22 years old, I just wasn't ready to be sober, nor did I think I had a problem. I thought it was this prescription - not the alcohol. If I could just detox for a week, I could go back to taking it as prescribed. I could be normal. I went back outright after finishing CFR, and after 8 months, I realized that I really was an alcoholic.

It's been a really long journey of realizing that I'm an alcoholic through and through, but I've come out on the other side stronger, happier, and healthier. I just celebrated 90 days at the end ofFebruary and although my past was rough, I don't regret it, because it's what got me here. I have a strong program in AA and a Higher Power in my life today, and those two things are the foundation of my recovery.